Dealing with contentious issues at a meeting is challenging at the best of times. It is made even more difficult when participants act defensively, by interrupting, arguing, attacking, or even resorting to verbal abuse. There isn’t much sense running a meeting under such conditions, and the likelihood of productivity is minimal.

How can you manage defensiveness and increase the likelihood that people will be heard and understood? How can you slow the pace of a meeting down, so each view can be considered fully and openly, without the stifling effects of impulsive negative assumptions?

Your overall goal should be to shift participants’ mindsets from the typical “listening to argue and deny” to “listening to learn.” Here is a script to help you achieve this goal:

“Before we start, I need to make an observation and then ask you to help me. What I observed in past meetings is that, when we deal with difficult issues, we tend to argue our points but not listen very well to other points. This is frustrating for many and also leads to repetition, which means that our meetings are not as productive as we need them to be.

Here is what I am suggesting. When someone presents an idea that any of you instinctively disagrees with, I suggest that you resist the temptation to impulsively argue back. Instead of formulating rebuttals while people speak, I suggest that you formulate questions to clarify what they mean. Consider questions that start with `Can you explain what you mean by ___?’ Or `How do you propose to address the issue of ___?’

I believe that if each one of us takes this approach, we will work better as a team, learn more from one another, make better decisions, and have more productive meetings. What do you think? Can we give it a try? I need your support to make it work.”

A similar approach can be used in a one-on-one meeting with a defensive person, except that the script will likely be much shorter (otherwise you’ll sound as though you’re lecturing). For example:

“Jim, I need to discuss some feedback with you. Can we talk now? Thanks. Before I start, I need to ask you for a favor. I want us to have a productive discussion and avoid some of the difficulties we had in past meetings. Can we agree to hear each other out and resist the temptation to jump to conclusions too quickly? I think it would help a lot if both of us could ask each other more clarifying questions before reacting to what’s being said. What do you think? Can we agree to this?“

The above scripts will help you set the stage for a constructive dialogue and for resolving tough issues with collaboration and mutual respect. If, as the meeting progresses, you notice that someone is acting defensively and jumps to conclusions before hearing someone else out, intervene: “Can we please hear George out?” or “Can you please write down this concern and save it for later? In the meantime, can we listen to Jenny and let her finish?”

Eli is the author of the newly published "101 Boardroom Problems and How to Solve Them." He is also the author of several other books and publications on meetings, shared decision-making and minute taking (see Eli Mina's Books at www.elimina.com ). Eli can be reached at 604-730-0377 or via e-mail at eli@elimina.com.